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Supposed To Be
There may be a reason that women are fighting against the way their marriages are and are feeling cheated. When we put expectations on our husbands, this is the result.
There is a parable about the kingdom of heaven being compared to a landowner who hired men at different times of the day and paid them all the same wage (see Matthew 20:1-16). This parable could also be applied to marriage.
All people have faults. When we are dating, we usually look over these faults because we love this person and we want to be with them. Even if we do see his or her faults, we say this is no reason to break up -- I love this man, everyone argues, this is normal. We make this important decision to marry and before all our friends, our pastor and our God, we make the agreement -- the marriage vows. We agree to all the terms...I take this man to be my husband. We are telling God, we know this man, we agree to accept the deal. So after we are married for a few years and the exciting "zing" of early love has faded as does in ANY relationship, we start looking around. That marriage is nicer than mine. I wish my husband treated me like that. I wish my husband had a job like that. I wish my husband looked like that. We start to become discontented.
The reason we are feeling discontented is because we are comparing our marriages with other marriages. They are not comparable. Everyone makes their own deal just as the vineyard workers in the parable did. When the agreement is made, there is no comparing. It only leads to sadness. Because we know that the grass always "seems" greener on the other side of the fence, but usually isn't.
Even some Christian authors and speakers can be discouraging. They may have some great ideas about keeping the relationship close such as “you need to have many things you can do together”... “you must discuss every feeling and emotion.” These may be good plans, but when the fact is that your husband is not going along with these plans, you have a problem. We will start feeling cheated again and worrying that our marriage is not up to the standard.
What's important to realize is that the devil will take any information and twist it in your mind to deceive you. While it may be a good idea to have common interests with your husband, the devil will tell you that if you don't, you are doomed. He won't let up until you are miserable. We are told in 1 Peter 5:8:
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith."
Again in James 4:7 we are instructed:
"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
Marriage is one of the best illustrations of he love of God. The devil will do anything he can to destroy marriages for this very reason.
We are not to listen to the world's view any longer. We are going to be alert, knowing that Satan will twist the truth and deceive us. Instead, let's look at our marriages and tell ourselves the truth. The only truth is what comes from the Bible about what a marriage is "supposed" to be.
We are to be helpmate to our husbands, one who lifts him up and makes him proud at the city gate. A marriage is a partnership, a perfect partnership designed by God himself.
In Genesis 2:18 we learn:
The Lord God said "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable to him."
After that he created all the animals.
"But for Adam no suitable helper was found." (Genesis 2:20)
In God's perfect plan, he created 'woman' as a helpmate to man. An incredible position and job he gave us.
Later, when Adam and Eve fall, God tells explains the punishment for all parties involved. The serpent is cursed above all livestock, and there is enmity between the serpent and the woman and her offspring. He tells the man that the ground is cursed and only be the sweat of his brow, will he eat his food.
What he says to the woman is very interesting. We may want to pretend its not there or ignore it, but it is there. It helps us to understand why things are the way they are. "To the woman he said, 'I will greatly increase you pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. You desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.'" (Genesis 3:16)
We know that the pain during childbirth is true, so why would the second half not be true. A woman does have a desire for her husband. Maybe a desire for his attention, his affection, his approval, his acceptance. Often (but not always), the man does not feel the same. He may not have the same needs and desires. It seems as though men and women have a totally different make up. They do. God made us different.
So many women complain and feel discontented or rejected because their husbands don't make time for them or they would rather be with their friends, at work, or watching sports. Why does he not want to be with me the way I want to be with him? God put a desire in the woman for her husband.
The second part says, he will rule over you. As we have learned in the previous chapter, we will be daughters of Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master, if we do what is right. Here again, we are reminded of our position. This is a very hard pill to swallow. But if we are really seeking the will of God and trust that His way is the perfect way, which it is, we can be assured that this is the position that we want to be in -- to be a suitable helper for him. If the Lord today appeared to you and asked you "I would like you to be a helper for this man here, he needs you in his life." Would you not say "Yes Lord, I will do the job you've asked of me!"
If the husband is a Christian, he may seek out what God expects of him. In Ephesians 5:25 God commands:
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church."
So as he tells us to submit and to be helpmates, they are to love their wives. However, maybe he's not a Christian, or maybe he is but he is not seeking God's will. It is not our job or our business if he is or is not living up to his part. God gives us each jobs to do and paths to follow and he does not want us to worry about what others are doing.
When we look at husbands and think "He is not doing what he is supposed to, why should I," not only are we failing to do God's will, but we are judging our husbands for not doing their part.
Jesus tells us "Do not judge, or you too will be judged...'Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
So when we are worrying about our husband's not loving us even though the Bible tells him too, we are judging. We are to only work on getting the plank out of our own eye.
As we said before, the world would like us to believe that you marriage is "supposed to be" a lot of things. But what God said is that we are to be a helpmate to our husbands.
Of course, it would be nice if our husbands loved us the way God intended, but sometimes this is not the case. It may be painful and hurtful, but God can give you joy through it. That’s what we are trying to learn: to find the joy that God promises, when we follow his way and not our way.
It is possible to find opportunity everyday to grow spiritually and to serve the Lord. Each day you may face some kind of conflict with your husband.
In Ephesians 4:29-30,32 we are told
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen...Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ forgave you."
Each day when we face this conflict, we must think before we speak, "What are his needs? What are his wants? -- not mine." For we must build him up "according to his needs." But then again, we are faced with the question "Why should I if he doesn't deserve it or if he is being selfish, insensitive or hurtful." Think about how Jesus died for us and forgives us our every sin. We love him for that. Remembering that forgiveness, show Jesus that same love by loving your husband. Jesus tells us:
"Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40)
What is love? The dictionary tells us that love is "a deep and tender feeling of fondness and devotion, a strong liking, a sweetheart, to feel love for, to take great pleasure in." This is definitely the world's view of love. It is a "feeling" and it is of the "flesh." Jesus commands us to "love our enemies" (Mathew 5:44). How could we have a "feeling of fondness" for an enemy? We wouldn't. Love must have a deeper meaning. Where else to look for the meaning than in the source of all truth.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)
There is nothing in this definition that talks about our feelings or our wants. It is totally selfless.
It is a good idea to put this verse to memory. In the heat of the moment, you will not have time or will you even think to look in your Bible to set your thinking straight. But when it is in memory, the Spirit of God will remind you and it will be in your thoughts.
So if you marriage has lost some romance or all of the romance, or maybe your communication is not as some say "it's supposed to be," be assured that it's okay as long as you continue to strive to do your part. Of course, we all fail because we all fall short of the glory of God. But we strive for it, with the grace of God. Instead of changing your husband or your circumstances, strive to love as God intends according to His definition and know that this love, God's love -- never fails.
Believe in God and His love and find the joy He has for you in being your husband's helper.