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Steps to Partner Acceptance
List things you do not like about his appearance, personality, habits, and abilities. Then list your wrong reactions to these characteristics or traits.
Example:
Things I do not like: My wrong reactions:
His appearance Resentment, bitterness
His personality Belittling
His habits Nagging, do it my way
His abilities Impatience, ungratefulness, thoughtlessness, pride, selfishness
STEP 2 -- RECOGNIZE PARTNER AS A PERSON OF GOD’S DESIGN
Recognize your non-acceptance of him as a personal resentment or bitterness toward God for the way He made him or for the environment God gave him in which he learned these life habits.
Recognize that your dissatisfaction with him stems from a self-righteous attitude, that you are actually saying by your attitude that you are a better person than he is.
Recognize that your failure to reverence, respect, and love him as God commanded is really sin against him and against God.
STEP 3 -- ASK GOD’S FORGIVENESS
Ask God to forgive you for your bitterness, resentment, lack of humility, and failure to love and respect him.
STEP 4 -- THANK GOD
Thank God for those very things you have resented. Thank Him for the positive qualities they indicate a capacity for. Thank God for the qualities He is going to produce in you because of these lacks in your partner.
STEP 5 -- TELL GOD YOUR PURPOSE
Tell God that you purpose to cooperate with Him both in regard to the qualities He wants He wants to produce in you and those He wants to produce in your partner.
Tell God that you forgive your husband for these things you felt were “lacks” and “failures”. (Verbalizing this to God helps you set your will in the right direction.)
STEP 6 -- ASK PARTNER’S FORGIVENESS
Ask your partner to forgive you for the wrong reactions you have had toward him. Remember, in asking forgiveness, three things are necessary.
1. Admit you were wrong.
2. Identify the offense.
3. Ask, “Will you forgive me?”
The words you use in identifying the offense are very important. They should not cast blame upon him, nor are you seeking to remind him of his wrong part. Rather, you unconditionally forgive him for the wrong actions or attitude he had in the situation and are simply seeking his forgiveness for your wrong attitude.
Words not to use because they might cast blame on him: FORGIVE ME FOR MY...bitterness toward you . . . resentfulness . . . being critical of you . . . nagging . . . belittling.
Words that you may use to indicate you are taking the full responsibility for your wrong attitude: FORGIVE ME FOR MY . . . attitude of ungratefulness . . . selfishness . . . failure to show love . . . stubbornness . . . thoughtlessness . . . proud attitude . . . failure to cooperate with your leadership.
STEP 7 -- VERBALLY ACCEPT HIM
After you have admitted your wrong and asked his forgiveness, let him know that you accept him as he is -- unconditionally. Accept him as God’s gift to you. Thank God for him as he is. LEAVE ANY NEEDED CHANGES IN GOD’S HANDS.
Recognize your husband as a person of God’s design. Affirm that his past has been under God’s control -- his parents, his environment, the habits he has formed, etc. Then instead of blaming him, his environment, or his parents for those habits and irritations, you can trust that God intends to use those things to develop character qualities in you and in him. You may not understand, but you can trust.
There are two possible responses to the way God is doing things in our lives. One leads to resentment, bitterness and unhappiness; the other leads to inner peace. Let God be our first reference. “I know that whatever God allows to come to me as His committed child, He has promised to work out for my good (Romans 8:28). I can trust the God who is love, the One who is good, and One who is wise and powerful. I know He will use His wisdom and power to accomplish what His love and goodness plan for me. I may not understand, but I can trust in His Blessed Control and experience inner peace.”
You must be satisfied with is total person as he exists now. Buy not trying to change him, you demonstrate your satisfaction with and total acceptance of him. LEAVE ANY NEEDED CHANGES IN GOD’S HANDS. Actively trust God to take the responsibility for these changes.
Give up all expectations of change. If you fail to relinquish your expectations, you will make him a slave to your expectations. Yield your right to expect a change.
Some positive qualities are quite recognizable. Others are being expressed in the form of negative traits. A negative trait is usually a positive quality misused. Recognizing positive qualities in the negative traits of others helps us to accept them as they are.
Concentration on his strengths and positive qualities, instead of his weaknesses and negative traits, is vital to developing and attitude of an appreciation of his person. This appreciation should be expressed to him. In this way, he too will become more aware of his strengths, and grow in personal worth. (Love does not keep account of evil -- 1 Corinthians 13:5)
Why not attempt to change him? It can destroy love, create tension, it doesn’t work, and it can cause him to rebel. When a wife tries to change her husband, it communicates to him that she does not accept him as he is. This tends to diminish his love for her, since love grows out of the very climate of acceptance. Her attempts to change him can cause the spirit of her husband to react to her spirit. One of the most serious results is that it breaks the lines of communication and tension builds up. To have fearless courage to share one’s deep feelings, the assurance of total acceptance is essential.